American humor/jokes

A judge tells a wobbly defendant he's been brought in for drinking — the defendant thinks that's great news. Then the judge calls 'Order! Order!' and gets an unexpected drink request.

A couple finds a magic lamp in their attic and each gets one wish. The wife wishes for a world vacation with her husband — the husband wishes for a wife 30 years younger. The genie delivers. Instantly.

A farmer's wife left him for a farm machinery salesman. She sent him a John Deere letter.

A man buys a second-hand time machine. People say you shouldn't. But as far as he's concerned, it's a classic — they just don't make them like they're going to anymore.

A married couple tells their counselor they have zero unresolved issues. Then the surveys come back — husband writes "NONE," wife writes "ONLY FANS." (It's about the ceiling fan.)

A man bids way too much for a parrot at auction, then worries it might not even be able to talk. The auctioneer's answer explains everything — and ruins the man's day.

A city slicker can't figure out why the farmer's heroic pig — who pulled the man from a burning barn and saved his drowning son — has a wooden leg. The farmer's answer is a masterclass in rural logic.

A biologist and chemist both miss the deer — one to the left, one to the right. The statistician sees the data and calls it a clean kill.

Quasimodo is hiring a bell-ringer apprentice. The job is simple: pull the rope, then get out of the way. Two men learn — the hard way — that neither instruction is optional.

A police officer promises the arrested speeding driver that his boss will be in a great mood — he's at his daughter's wedding. The driver's reply is the last thing the officer expected.

A rich lawyer spots two families eating roadside grass, invites them all to his mansion to be fed. Their heartfelt thanks gets answered with the most lawyer thing imaginable.

A golfer slices his ball off the first tee and causes utter mayhem on the road — 20 kids in the hospital. The club pro's response? Just a golf tip about shifting your weight.