Hold Please (The 47-Minute Diss)

Label: HOLD FOREVER RECORDS Target Annoyance: Customer-service hold music Persona: One MC narrator — gravel-edged, deadpan, escalates to exasperated shout on hook; adlib stack on chorus

Creative Brief

Field	Value
Tempo	~95 BPM
Key Feel	Minor with jazzed-up elevator-music flavor
Beat palette	Lo-fi boom-bap: muted trumpet loop, lazy Rhodes piano, finger snaps, punchy 808 kick
Structure	Intro / Verse 1 / Chorus / Verse 2 / Chorus / Outro
Duration	~2 min (119 sec)
Loudness Target	-14 LUFS (master-ready)
Vocal placement	MC clearly above beat throughout; adlib doubles on hook lines
Tone	Comedic frustration — petty and absurdist, never threatening

Usage / Emotional Arc

Opens with a mock automated-voice intro («your call is very important to us») before the beat drops. Verse 1 builds the scenario with escalating absurdity — the caller has been on hold so long they memorized the hold-music trumpet lick. The hook explodes in exasperated chant form (HOLD PLEASE), hook adlibs doubling key phrases. Verse 2 doubles down on time-warp comedy: laundry, re-caulking, passing the bar exam — all while on hold. The outro lands the gut-punch: offices now closed. Beat drops to silence. One deadpan «Man.» Cathartic comedy decompression complete.

Lyrics

[Intro]
Yeah... HOLD FOREVER RECORDS, baby
Your call is very important to us
Please stay on the line
...forty-seven minutes later

[Verse 1]
I dialed up at half past one, I'm still here at two-forty-eight
Got a sandwich, got a blanket, almost missed my kids graduatin'
Pressed 1 for English, 2 for billing, 3 for I might cry
4 if you believe a human's actually standing by
That hold music hittin' different when your ear is goin' numb
Same four bars of smooth jazz played eleven hundred times from dumb
I memorized the trumpet lick, I know the snare on beat three
I could conduct that orchestra from the bathroom while I pee

[Chorus]
HOLD PLEASE — oh you're still not there
HOLD PLEASE — just breathin' corporate air
HOLD PLEASE — your estimated wait
Is longer than my lease! (longer than my lease!)
HOLD PLEASE — yeah I heard you care
HOLD PLEASE — but the phone don't care
HOLD PLEASE — I been here since eight
Put me on hold one more time and I'll combust! (combust!)

[Verse 2]
Now a robot voice cuts in: are you still holding? Press one
I press one so fast I nearly cracked my thumb, son
Thank you for your patience — patience?! That word is dead
I ran three loads of laundry and re-caulked the shed
They put me on a queue, said six minutes, turns out that meant guess
I drafted my own customer-service lawsuit, passed the bar test
The jazz got a key change, ooh, a new arrangement dropped
They remixed the hold music but the hold itself never stopped

[Chorus]
HOLD PLEASE — oh you're still not there
HOLD PLEASE — just breathin' corporate air
HOLD PLEASE — your estimated wait
Is longer than my lease! (longer than my lease!)
HOLD PLEASE — yeah I heard you care
HOLD PLEASE — but the phone don't care
HOLD PLEASE — I been here since eight
Put me on hold one more time and I'll combust! (combust!)

[Outro]
*click*
Our offices are now closed
Please call back during normal business hours
Man.
HOLD FOREVER RECORDS.