HPMOR 第12章｜克制冲动（中英对照）

ph'nglui mglw'nafh J. K. Rowling wgah'nagl fhtagn

J·K·罗琳在她的屋子里安睡。

"Wonder what's wrong with him_."_

「不知道他又怎么了。」

"Turpin, Lisa!"

「图平，丽莎！」

Whisper whisper whisper harry potter whisper whisper slytherin whisper whisper no seriously what the hell whisper whisper

嘁嘁喳喳，哈利·波特，嘁嘁喳喳，斯莱特林，嘁嘁喳喳——不，认真说，到底什么鬼，嘁嘁喳喳。

"RAVENCLAW!"

「拉文克劳！」

Harry joined in the applause greeting the young girl walking shyly towards the Ravenclaw table, her robes' trim now changed to dark blue. Lisa Turpin appeared torn between her impulse to sit down as far away from Harry Potter as possible, and her impulse to run over, forcibly insert herself at his side and start tearing answers out of him.

哈利也跟着鼓掌，欢迎那个羞怯地走向拉文克劳长桌的小姑娘。她校袍上的滚边已经变成深蓝色。丽莎·图平看起来进退两难：一方面，她恨不得离哈利·波特越远越好；另一方面，她又想冲到哈利身边，硬挤进去，把答案一条条从他嘴里撬出来。

Being at the center of an extraordinary and curious event, and then being Sorted into House Ravenclaw, was closely akin to being dipped in barbecue sauce and flung into a pit of starving kittens.

先成了一个离奇又引人好奇的事件中心，再被分进拉文克劳，感觉就像浑身裹满烧烤酱，然后扔进一窝饿坏了的小猫中间。

"I promised the Sorting Hat not to talk about it," whispered Harry for the umpteenth time.

「我答应过分院帽，不把这事说出去。」哈利已经不知道第多少遍小声说道。

"Yes, really."

「真的。」

"No, I really did promise the Sorting Hat not to talk about it."

「不，我确实答应过分院帽，不能说。」

"Fine, I promised the Sorting Hat not to talk about most of it and the rest is private just like yours was so stop asking."

「好吧，我答应分院帽不说的大概是大部分内容，剩下的都属于私人信息，跟你的情况一样，所以别再问了。」

"You want to know what happened? Fine! Here's part of what happened! I told the Hat that Professor McGonagall threatened to set it on fire and it told me to tell Professor McGonagall that she was an impudent youngster and she should get off its lawn!"

「你想知道发生了什么？行啊！我告诉你其中一部分！我跟帽子说，麦格教授威胁要把它烧掉；它就让我转告麦格教授，说她是个冒失的小丫头，叫她滚出它的草坪！」

"If you're not going to believe what I say then why are you even asking? "

「你既然不信我说的，干吗还问？」

"No, I don't know how I defeated the Dark Lord either! You tell me if you figure it out!"

「不，我也不知道自己当年是怎么打败黑魔王的！你要是想明白了，记得告诉我！」

"Silence! " shouted Professor McGonagall at the podium of the Head Table. "No talking until the Sorting Ceremony finishes! "

「安静！」麦格教授在教师席前的讲台上喊道，「分院仪式结束前不许说话！」

There was a brief dip in the volume, as everyone waited to see if she was going to make any specific and credible threats, and then the whispers started up again.

音量短暂地低了下去。所有人都在等着看，她会不会提出什么具体而可信的威胁；然后，窃窃私语又重新响了起来。

Then the silver-bearded ancient stood up from his great golden chair, smiling cheerfully.

接着，那位银须苍苍的老人从巨大的金色椅子上站起来，笑容和蔼。

Instant silence. Someone frantically elbowed Harry as he tried to continue a whisper, and Harry cut himself off in mid-sentence.

大厅瞬间安静。有人看见哈利还想继续说悄悄话，连忙用胳膊狠狠捅了他一下；哈利的话说到一半，赶紧收住。

The cheerful-looking old man sat down again.

那个看起来很和气的老人又坐了回去。

备忘：不要招惹邓布利多。

Harry was still trying to process everything that had happened during the Incident with the Sorting Hat. Not the least of which was what had happened the instant Harry had lifted the Hat off his head; in that moment, he'd heard a tiny whisper as though from nowhere, something that sounded oddly like English and a hiss at the same time, something that had said, "Ssalutations from Sslytherin to Sslytherin: if you would sseek my ssecretss, sspeak to my ssnake."

哈利还在努力消化分院帽事件里发生的一切。尤其是他把帽子从头上拿下来的那一刻：就在那时，他听见一个细小的声音，仿佛凭空出现；那声音听起来既像英语，又像蛇嘶，内容是：「斯莱特林向斯莱特林致意：如果你想寻找我的秘密，就去问我的蛇。」

Harry was sorta guessing that wasn't supposed to be part of the official Sorting process. And that it was a bit of extra magic set down by Salazar Slytherin during the making of the Hat. And that the Hat itself didn't know about it. And that it was triggered when the Hat said "SLYTHERIN", plus or minus some other conditions. And that a Ravenclaw like himself really, really wasn't supposed to have heard it. And that if he could find some reliable way of swearing Draco to secrecy so he could ask him about it, that would be an excellent time to have some Comed-Tea handy.

哈利大概猜到，这应该不是正式分院流程的一部分。那或许是萨拉查·斯莱特林在制作帽子时留下的一点额外魔法；分院帽本身并不知道这件事；它会在帽子喊出「斯莱特林」时触发，也可能还附带着别的条件；而像哈利这样的拉文克劳，真的、真的不该听见它。要是他能找到一种可靠的方法，让德拉科发誓保密，好去问问他这件事，那可真是该手边备一罐笑话茶的好时候。

好家伙，你才刚下定决心不走黑魔王的路，宇宙就在帽子离开你脑袋的瞬间开始给你捣乱。有些日子，和命运作对实在不划算。也许我还是等到明天，再开始执行「不当黑魔王」这个决心吧。

"GRYFFINDOR!"

「格兰芬多！」

Ron Weasley got a lot of applause, and not just from the Gryffindors. Apparently the Weasley family was widely liked around here. Harry, after a moment, smiled and started applauding along with the others.

罗恩·韦斯莱赢得了一片掌声，而且不只是格兰芬多在鼓掌。看来韦斯莱一家在这里相当受欢迎。哈利过了一会儿也笑了起来，跟着大家一起鼓掌。

Then again, there was no time like today to turn back from the Dark Side.

不过话说回来，今天正是回头离开黑暗面的好时候。

Stuff destiny and stuff the universe. He'd show that Hat.

去他的命运，去他的宇宙。他要让那顶帽子看看。

"Zabini, Blaise!"

「扎比尼，布雷斯！」

Pause.

停顿。

"SLYTHERIN!" shouted the hat.

「斯莱特林！」帽子喊道。

Harry applauded Zabini too, ignoring the odd looks he was getting from everyone including Zabini.

哈利也给扎比尼鼓掌，完全不理会四周——包括扎比尼本人——投来的古怪目光。

No other name was called out after that, and Harry realised that "Zabini, Blaise" did sound close to the end of the alphabet. Great, so now he'd only applauded Zabini... Oh well.

之后再没有人被叫到名字，哈利这才意识到，「扎比尼，布雷斯」确实已经很接近字母表末尾了。好极了，这下他就只给扎比尼鼓过掌……算了。

Dumbledore got up again and began heading towards the podium. Apparently they were about to be treated to a speech -

邓布利多又站起来，朝讲台走去。看来大家马上要听一段演讲了——

And Harry was struck by the inspiration for a brilliant experimental test.

哈利突然灵光一现，想到了一个绝妙的实验。

Hermione had said that Dumbledore was the most powerful wizard alive, right?

赫敏说过，邓布利多是世上最强大的巫师，对吧？

Harry reached into his pouch and whispered, "Comed-Tea".

哈利把手伸进莫克袋，小声念道：「笑话茶。」

For the Comed-Tea to work, it would have to make Dumbledore say something so ridiculous during his speech that even in Harry's state of mental preparedness, he would still choke. Like, all the Hogwarts students had to not wear any clothes for the whole school year, or everyone was going to be transformed into cats.

笑话茶要想起作用，就得让邓布利多在演讲时说出荒谬到极点的话；即使哈利已经做好心理准备，也还是会被呛到。比如，霍格沃茨所有学生整学年都不许穿衣服，或者所有人都会被变成猫之类的。

But then if anyone in the world could resist the power of the Comed-Tea, it would be Dumbledore. So if this worked, the Comed-Tea was literally invincible.

可话说回来，如果世上真有人能抵抗笑话茶的力量，那个人一定是邓布利多。所以，如果这次实验成功，笑话茶就真的无敌了。

Harry pulled the ring on the Comed-Tea under the table, wanting to do this a bit unobtrusively. The can made a quiet hissing noise. A few heads turned to look at him, but soon turned back as -

哈利在桌子底下拉开笑话茶的拉环，想让这件事尽量不引人注意。罐子发出轻轻的嘶声。几个人转头看了他一眼，但很快又转了回去，因为——

"Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!" said Dumbledore, beaming at the students with his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there.

「欢迎！欢迎来到霍格沃茨，开始新的一年！」邓布利多张开双臂，笑容满面地对学生们说道，仿佛世上没有什么比看见大家都在这里更令他高兴。

Harry took a first mouthful of Comed-Tea and lowered the can again. He would swallow the pop a little at a time and try not to choke no matter what Dumbledore said -

哈利先喝了一口笑话茶，又把罐子放低。他打算一点点把汽水咽下去，不管邓布利多说什么，都努力别呛到——

"Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Happy happy boom boom swamp swamp swamp! Thank you!"

「在晚宴开始之前，我想说几句话。嗯，话就在这里：开心开心嘣嘣，沼泽沼泽沼泽！谢谢大家！」

Everyone clapped and cheered, and Dumbledore sat down again.

所有人都鼓掌欢呼，邓布利多又坐了下来。

Harry sat frozen as pop trickled out of the corners of his mouth. He had, at least, managed to choke quietly.

哈利僵坐在原地，汽水从嘴角慢慢流出来。至少，他呛得还算安静。

He really really really shouldn't have done that. Amazing how much more obvious that became one second after it was too late.

他真的、真的、真的不该这么做。等到晚了一秒，这件事就突然变得明白无误，真是奇怪。

In retrospect he probably should have noticed something wrong when he was thinking about everyone being turned into cats... or even before then, remembered his mental note not to mess with Dumbledore... or his newfound resolution to be more considerate of others... or maybe if he'd had one single scrap of common sense...

现在回头看，他在想到「所有人都会被变成猫」时，或许就该察觉不对；或者更早一点，在他记起「不要招惹邓布利多」这条备忘时；或者在他刚刚决定要更体谅别人的时候；又或者，只要他当时有哪怕一丁点常识……

It was hopeless. He was corrupt to the core. Hail the Dark Lord Harry. You couldn't fight fate.

没救了。他已经从骨子里腐坏。黑魔王哈利万岁。你根本斗不过命运。

Someone was asking Harry if he was all right. (Others were starting to serve themselves food, which had magically appeared on the table, whatever.)

有人在问哈利还好不好。（其他人已经开始自己取食物吃了；那些食物不知怎么的，凭空出现在桌上。）

"I'm all right," Harry said. "Excuse me. Um. Was that a... normal speech for the Headmaster? You all... didn't seem... very surprised..."

「我没事。」哈利说，「请问，呃……校长平时的演讲都是这样的吗？你们……看起来……好像一点也不惊讶……」

"Oh, Dumbledore's insane, of course," said an older-looking Ravenclaw sitting next to him who had introduced himself with some name Harry didn't even begin to remember. "Lots of fun, incredibly powerful wizard, but completely bonkers." He paused. "At some later point I'd also like to ask why green fluid came out of your lips and then disappeared, though I expect you promised the Sorting Hat not to talk about that either."

「哦，邓布利多当然是个疯子。」坐在他旁边、看起来年纪大些的拉文克劳学生说道。他刚才自我介绍过，但哈利连对方叫什么都没开始记。「很有趣，魔力强得离谱，但完全疯了。」他停了一下，「过一会儿我还想问问，为什么绿色液体从你嘴里流出来又消失了，不过我猜你也答应过分院帽，不能说这个吧。」

With a great effort, Harry stopped himself from glancing down at the incriminating can of Comed-Tea in his hand.

哈利费了好大力气，才忍住没低头去看手里那罐不利于自己的笑话茶。

After all, the Comed-Tea hadn't just arbitrarily materialised a Quibbler headline about him and Draco. Draco had explained it in a way that made it seem like it had all happened... naturally? As if it had altered history to fit?

毕竟，笑话茶并不是随便凭空变出一条关于他和德拉科的《唱唱反调》头条。德拉科解释过，那整件事似乎是……自然发生的？仿佛它改变了历史，好让一切都能对得上？

Harry was mentally imagining himself banging his forehead against the table. Wham, wham, wham went his head within his mind.

哈利在脑海里想象自己把额头往桌上撞。砰，砰，砰——他的脑内传来撞击声。

Another student lowered her voice to a whisper. "I hear that Dumbledore is secretly a genius mastermind controlling lots of stuff and he uses the insanity as a cover so that no one will suspect him."

另一个学生压低声音说：「我听说，邓布利多其实是个天才级的幕后主使，暗中控制着许多事情；他只是用疯疯癫癫来掩护自己，好让谁都怀疑不到他。」

"I've heard that too," whispered a third student, and there were furtive nods from around the table.

「我也听说过。」第三个学生小声说。长桌周围不断有人偷偷点头。

This couldn't help but catch Harry's attention.

这话当然一下就抓住了哈利的注意力。

"I see," whispered Harry, lowering his own voice. "So everyone knows that Dumbledore is secretly a mastermind."

「我明白了。」哈利也压低声音说，「所以，所有人都知道邓布利多其实是个暗中的主谋。」

Most of the students nodded. One or two looked suddenly thoughtful, including the older student sitting next to Harry.

大多数学生都点了点头。有一两个突然陷入沉思，包括坐在哈利旁边的那位学长。

Are you sure this is the Ravenclaw table? Harry managed not to ask out loud.

你确定这是拉文克劳的桌子吗？哈利忍住了没把这句话问出口。

"Brilliant!" Harry whispered. "If everyone knows, no one will suspect it's a secret!"

「妙极了！」哈利低声说，「既然所有人都知道，就不会有人怀疑这是秘密了！」

"Exactly," whispered a student, and then he frowned. "Wait, that doesn't sound quite right -"

「正是。」一个学生低语道，然后皱起眉头，「等等，这听起来好像不太对——」

备忘：霍格沃茨学生的第七十五百分位，也就是拉文克劳学院，并不是全世界最精英的天才儿童项目。

But at least he'd learned an important fact today. The Comed-Tea was omnipotent. And that meant...

但至少，他今天已经知道了一个重要事实：笑话茶是无所不能的。而这意味着……

Harry blinked in surprise as his mind finally made the obvious connection.

哈利眨了眨眼，脑子终于把那个显而易见的联系接上了。

...that meant that as soon as he learned a spell to temporarily alter his own sense of humor, he could make anything happen, by making it so that he would only find that one thing surprising enough to do a spit-take, and then drinking a can of Comed-Tea.

……这意味着，只要他学会一个暂时改变自己幽默感的咒语，就能让任何事情发生：让自己只觉得某一件事荒谬到足以喷出饮料，然后喝下一罐笑话茶。

这么说来，这条成神之路还真短。连我都以为它至少会比开学第一天更久。

Come to think of it, he had also completely wrecked Hogwarts within ten minutes flat of getting Sorted.

仔细想想，他还在分院后短短十分钟内，就把整个霍格沃茨弄得一团糟了。

Harry did feel a certain amount of regret about this - Merlin knew what an insane Headmaster was going to do to his next seven years of schooling - but he couldn't help feeling a twinge of pride, too.

哈利确实对此感到有些后悔——梅林知道，一个疯疯癫癫的校长会怎样折腾他接下来的七年学校生活——但他也忍不住有一点自豪。

Tomorrow. No later than tomorrow at the very latest he was going to stop walking down the path that led to Dark Lord Harry. A prospect which was sounding scarier by the minute.

明天。最迟明天，他就要停止走向黑魔王哈利的那条路。这个前景每过一分钟，听起来就更吓人一点。

And yet also, somehow, increasingly attractive. Part of his mind was already visualising the minions' uniforms.

可不知怎么的，也越来越有吸引力。他脑海里已经有一部分开始设计手下们的制服了。

"Eat," the older student sitting next to him growled, and jabbed Harry in the ribs. "Don't think. Eat."

「吃饭。」坐在他旁边的学长低吼一声，捅了捅哈利的肋骨，「别想。吃饭。」

Harry automatically started loading up his plate with whatever was in front of him, blue sausages with tiny glowing bits, whatever.

哈利自动把面前的东西往盘子里堆：蓝色香肠，还有里面闪着微光的小颗粒，随便什么都行。

"What were you thinking about, the Sorting -" began to say Padma Patil, one of the other first-year Ravenclaws.

「你刚才在想什么，分院的事——」同为一年级拉文克劳的帕德玛·佩蒂尔刚开口。

"No pestering during mealtimes!" chorused at least three people. "House Rule!" added another. "Otherwise we'd all starve around here."

「吃饭时不许烦人！」至少三个人异口同声地说道。「学院规矩！」另一个人补充，「不然我们全都得饿死在这儿。」

Harry was finding himself really, really hoping that his clever new idea didn't actually work. And that the Comed-Tea worked some other way and didn't actually have the omnipotent power to alter reality. It wasn't that he didn't want to be omnipotent. It was that he just couldn't bear the thought of living in a universe that really worked like that. There was something undignified about ascending through the clever use of fizzy drinks.

哈利越来越希望自己这个聪明的新想法其实不会奏效。希望笑话茶的原理另有一套，并不真的拥有改写现实的全能力量。这倒不是因为他不想无所不能，而是因为他实在无法接受自己生活在一个真按这种方式运行的宇宙里。靠巧妙利用汽水登上全能之位，实在不怎么体面。

But he was going to test it experimentally.

但他还是要用实验验证它。

"You know," said the older student next to him in a quite pleasant tone, "we have a system for forcing people like you to eat, would you like to find out what it is?"

「你知道吗？」旁边的学长用相当愉快的语气说，「我们有一套办法，能强迫像你这样的人吃饭。想知道是什么吗？」

Harry gave up and started eating his blue sausage. It was quite good, especially the glowing bits.

哈利放弃了，开始吃自己的蓝香肠。味道还不错，尤其是那些发光的小颗粒。

Dinner passed with surprising rapidity. Harry tried to sample at least a little of all the weird new foods he saw. His curiosity couldn't stand the thought of not knowing how something tasted. Thank goodness this wasn't a restaurant where you had to order only one thing and you never found out what all the other things on the menu tasted like. Harry hated that, it was like a torture chamber for anyone with a spark of curiosity: Find out about only one of the mysteries on this list, ha ha ha!

晚饭出奇地快就结束了。哈利尽量把看到的每一种奇怪新食物都尝上一点。他的好奇心无法忍受自己不知道某样东西是什么味道。幸好这里不是那种只能点一道菜、永远不知道菜单上其他东西是什么味道的餐馆。哈利讨厌那种事；对一个还剩一丁点好奇心的人来说，那简直像刑讯室：这张清单里的秘密，你只能选一个来了解，哈哈哈！

Then it was time for dessert, which Harry had completely forgotten to leave room for. He gave up after sampling a small bit of treacle tart. Surely all these things would pass around at least once again over the course of the school year.

接下来是甜点时间，可哈利完全忘了给甜点留肚子。他尝了一小口糖浆馅饼就放弃了。这些东西在一学年里肯定至少还会再端上来一次。

So what was on his to-do list, besides the ordinary school things?

那么，除了普通的学校功课，他的待办清单上还有什么？

待办一：研究改变思维的魔法，这样就能测试笑话茶，看看自己是不是真的发现了通往全能的道路。实际上，你应该把能找到的各种心智魔法全研究一遍。思维是人类力量的根基，任何影响思维的魔法，都是最重要的一类魔法。

待办二——不，实际上这是待办一，前面的才是待办二：把霍格沃茨图书馆和拉文克劳图书馆的书架全部过一遍，熟悉它们的系统，至少确保自己读过所有书名。第二遍再读完所有目录。和赫敏配合，她的记性比你好得多。查清霍格沃茨有没有馆际互借系统，再看看你们两个，尤其是赫敏，能不能去其他图书馆借阅。如果其他学院有自己的私人图书馆，就想办法合法进去，或者偷偷溜进去。

选项三甲：让赫敏发誓保密，然后开始研究「斯莱特林向斯莱特林致意：如果你想寻找我的秘密，就去问我的蛇」。问题是，这听起来绝密得很，可能要花相当长时间，才能偶然撞见一本包含线索的书。

待办零：查查有没有什么信息搜索和检索咒语。图书馆魔法最终没有心智魔法那么重要，但优先级要高得多。

Option 3b: Look for a spell to magically bind Draco Malfoy to secrecy, or magically verify the sincerity of Draco's promise to keep a secret (Veritaserum?), and then ask him about Slytherin's message...

选项三乙：找一个能用魔法让德拉科·马尔福保守秘密的咒语，或者用魔法确认德拉科承诺保密时是否真心（吐真剂？），然后去问他斯莱特林的讯息……

Actually... Harry had a pretty bad feeling about option 3b.

其实……哈利对选项三乙有种很不好的预感。

Now that Harry thought about it, he didn't feel all that great about option 3a, either.

现在仔细一想，他对选项三甲也没觉得多好。

Harry's thoughts flashed back to possibly the worst moment of his life to date, those long seconds of blood-freezing horror beneath the Hat, when he thought he'd already failed. He'd wished then to fall back just a few minutes in time and change something, anything before it was too late...

哈利的思绪闪回到自己至今人生中最糟糕的时刻：那段在帽子底下、浑身血液仿佛冻结的漫长时间，当时他以为自己已经失败了。他那时曾希望时间能倒退几分钟，随便改掉什么都好，只要赶在一切太迟之前……

And then it had turned out to not be too late after all.

结果，一切最终并没有太迟。

Wish granted.

愿望实现了。

You couldn't change history. But you could get it right to start with. Do something differently the first time around.

你无法改变历史。但你可以从一开始就把事情做对。第一次遇到的时候，就做出不同的选择。

This whole business with seeking Slytherin's secrets... seemed an awful lot like the sort of thing where, years later, you would look back and say, 'And that was where it all started going wrong.'

这整件寻找斯莱特林秘密的事……实在很像那种多年以后回头看时，会说「一切就是从那件事开始出问题的」的事情。

And he would wish desperately for the ability to fall back through time and make a different choice...

到那时，他会绝望地希望自己能回到过去，做出另一个选择……

Wish granted. Now what?

愿望实现。然后呢？

Harry slowly smiled.

哈利慢慢笑了起来。

It was a rather counterintuitive thought... but...

这个想法相当反直觉……不过……

But he could, there was no rule saying he couldn't, he could just pretend he'd never heard that little whisper. Let the universe go on in exactly the same way it would have if that one critical moment had never occurred. Twenty years later, that was what he would desperately wish had happened twenty years ago, and twenty years before twenty years later happened to be right now. Altering the distant past was easy, you just had to think of it at the right time.

不过，他可以这么做。没有任何规则说他不行；他完全可以假装自己从未听见那声低语。让宇宙照原样运行，就像那个关键时刻从来没有发生过。二十年后，他会绝望地希望二十年前发生的是这个版本，而从二十年后的角度看，二十年前恰好就是现在。改变遥远的过去很容易，只要在正确的时机想到这一点。

Or... this was even more counterintuitive... he could even inform, oh, say, Professor McGonagall, instead of Draco or Hermione. And she could get a few good people together and get that little extra spell taken off the Hat.

或者——这个想法甚至更反直觉——他也可以把这件事告诉，比如说，麦格教授，而不是德拉科或赫敏。让她找几个可靠的人，把帽子上那道多出来的小咒语拆掉。

Why, yes. That sounded like a remarkably good idea once Harry had actually thought of it.

嗯，对。等哈利真的想到这个主意后，它听起来简直好得出奇。

So very obvious in retrospect, and yet somehow, Option 3c and Option 3d just hadn't occurred to him.

事后看明明那么明显，可不知为什么，选项三丙和选项三丁之前就是没进他的脑子。

Harry awarded himself +1 point on his anti-Dark-Lord-Harry program.

哈利的反黑魔王哈利计划加一分。

It had been an awfully cruel prank the Hat had played on him, but you couldn't argue with the results on consequentialist grounds. It certainly did give him a better idea of the victim's perspective, though.

分院帽对他开的恶劣玩笑确实残酷，但从结果主义的角度看，效果无可争辩。至少，这让他更清楚地体会到了受害者的处境。

待办四：向纳威·隆巴顿道歉。

Okay, he was on a roll here, now he just had to keep it up. In every day, in every way, I'm getting Lighter and Lighter...

好，他现在正顺风顺水，只要继续保持下去就行。每一天、每个方面，我都越来越“光明”……

People around Harry had also mostly stopped eating at this point, and the dessert serving dishes began to vanish, and the used plates.

这时，哈利周围的人也大多吃完了，甜点盘和用过的餐盘开始从桌上消失。

When all the plates were gone, Dumbledore once again stood up from his seat.

所有盘子都消失后，邓布利多又一次从座位上站起来。

Harry couldn't help but feel the urge to drink another Comed-Tea.

哈利忍不住想再喝一口笑话茶。

You've GOT to be kidding, Harry thought at that piece of himself.

你开什么玩笑，哈利在心里对自己的某个部分说道。

But the experiment didn't count if it wasn't replicated, did it? And the damage was already done, wasn't it? Didn't he want to see what would happen this time? Wasn't he curious? What if he got a different result?

可实验如果没有重复，就不算完成，对吧？而且伤害已经造成了，对吧？你难道不想看看这一次会发生什么吗？你难道不好奇吗？万一结果不一样呢？

喂，我敢打赌，你就是我脑子里那个怂恿我拿纳威·隆巴顿开玩笑的部分。

Er, maybe?

呃，也许吧？

And is it not overwhelmingly obvious that if I do this I shall regret it one second after it is too late?

那你难道看不出吗：如果我这么做，我会在已经太迟之后的一秒开始后悔？

Um...

嗯……

对。所以，不行。

"Ahem," said Dumbledore from the podium, stroking his long silver beard. "Just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you."

「咳咳。」邓布利多站在讲台上，一边捋着银色长胡子一边说道，「现在大家都吃饱喝足了，我再说几句。我有几项新学期开始时的通知要宣布。」

"First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. That is why it is called the Forbidden Forest. If it were permitted it would be called the Permitted Forest."

「一年级学生要注意，校园里的森林禁止所有学生进入。这就是它叫禁林的原因。要是允许进入，它就该叫可进森林了。」

Straightforward. Note to self: Forbidden Forest is forbidden.

直白。备忘：禁林就是禁止进入的森林。

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Alas, we all know that what should be, and what is, are two different things. Thank you for keeping this in mind."

「费尔奇先生，也就是管理员，请我提醒大家，课间不许在走廊上使用魔法。唉，大家都知道，应该怎样做和实际会怎样做，是两回事。谢谢大家记住这一点。」

Er...

呃……

"Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch. Anyone interested in reformulating the entire game of Quidditch should contact Harry Potter."

「魁地奇选拔将在开学第二周举行。想加入学院队的学生去找霍琦夫人。想彻底重写魁地奇整套规则的学生去找哈利·波特。」

Harry inhaled his own saliva and went into a coughing fit just as all eyes turned towards him. How the hell! He hadn't met Dumbledore's eyes at any point... he didn't think. He certainly hadn't been thinking about Quidditch at the time! He hadn't talked to anyone but Ron Weasley and he didn't think Ron would have told anyone else... or had Ron run off to a professor to complain? How on Earth...

哈利把自己的口水吸进了气管，立刻剧烈咳嗽起来；所有人的目光也同时转向他。搞什么鬼！他应该从头到尾都没和邓布利多对视过……至少他自己不记得。刚才他肯定也没在想魁地奇！除了罗恩·韦斯莱，他没跟任何人提过这件事；而他不觉得罗恩会再告诉别人……难道罗恩跑去找教授告状了？这到底是怎么回事……

"Additionally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death. It is guarded by an elaborate series of dangerous and potentially lethal traps, and you cannot possibly get past all of them, especially if you are only in your first year."

「另外，我还得告诉大家：今年，除非你们想死得非常痛苦，否则谁也不许去四楼右手边的走廊。那里设有一连串复杂、危险、甚至可能致命的陷阱；你们不可能通过全部陷阱，尤其是如果你们还只是一年级学生。」

Harry was numb at this point.

到这时候，哈利已经麻木了。

"And finally, I extend my greatest thanks to Quirinus Quirrell for heroically agreeing to undertake the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts." Dumbledore's gaze moved searchingly across the students. "I hope all students will extend Professor Quirrell that utmost courtesy and tolerance which is due his extraordinary service to you and this school, and that you will not pester us with any niggling complaints about him, unless you want to try doing his job."

「最后，我要向奎里纳斯·奇洛致以最诚挚的感谢，感谢他英勇地同意担任霍格沃茨的黑魔法防御术教授。」邓布利多的目光意味深长地扫过学生们，「我希望所有学生都能给予奇洛教授应得的、最高程度的礼貌与宽容，毕竟他为你们和这所学校提供了非同寻常的服务。除非你们想亲自接替他的工作，否则不要拿那些鸡毛蒜皮的抱怨来烦我们。」

What was that about?

这是怎么回事？

"I now yield the floor to our new faculty member Professor Quirrell, who would like to say a few words."

「现在，我把发言权交给新任教员奇洛教授。他有几句话要对大家说。」

The young, thin, nervous man who Harry had first met in the Leaky Cauldron slowly made his way up to the podium, glancing fearfully around in all directions. Harry caught a glimpse of the back of his head, and it looked like Professor Quirrell might already be going bald, despite his seeming youth.

哈利第一次在破釜酒吧见到的那个瘦削、神经质的年轻人慢慢走上讲台，惊惶地向四面八方张望。哈利瞥见了他的后脑勺：奇洛教授看起来明明还很年轻，却似乎已经开始秃顶了。

"Wonder what's wrong with him," whispered the older-looking student sitting next to Harry. Similar hushed comments were being exchanged elsewhere along the table.

「不知道他到底怎么了。」坐在哈利身边的那个学长低声说道。长桌其他地方也有人在交换类似的窃窃私语。

Professor Quirrell made his way up to the podium and stood there, blinking. "Ah..." he said. "Ah..." Then his courage seemed to fail him utterly, and he stood there in silence, occasionally twitching.

奇洛教授走到讲台上，站在那里眨着眼睛。「呃……」他说，「呃……」然后他的勇气仿佛彻底溃散，只能站在原地沉默，偶尔抽搐一下。

"Oh, great," whispered the older student, "looks like another long year in Defence class -"

「好极了。」那个学长低声说，「看来今年的防御课又要熬人了——」

"Salutations, my young apprentices," Professor Quirrell said in a dry, confident tone. "We all know that Hogwarts tends to suffer a certain misfortune in its selections for this position, and no doubt many of you are already wondering what doom shall befall me this year. I assure you, that doom is not to be my incompetence." He smiled thinly. "Believe it or not, I have long wished to someday try my hand as the Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts here at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The first to teach this class was Salazar Slytherin himself, and as late as the fourteenth century it was traditional for the greatest fighting wizards of every persuasion to try their hands at teaching here. Past Professors of Defence have included not just the legendary wandering hero Harold Shea but also the quote undying unquote Baba Yaga, yes, I see some of you are still shuddering at the sound of her name even though she's been dead for six hundred years. That must have been an interesting time to attend Hogwarts, don't you think?"

「向你们问好，我年轻的学徒们。」奇洛教授用干涩而自信的语气说道。「大家都知道，霍格沃茨在这个职位的人选上总是有那么点不走运；你们中想必已经有不少人开始猜，今年落到我头上的厄运会是什么。我向你们保证，那厄运不会是我的无能。」他淡淡一笑，「信不信由你，我一直很希望有一天能在霍格沃茨魔法与巫术学校试试，担任黑魔法防御术教授。最早教授这门课的是萨拉查·斯莱特林本人；直到十四世纪，由各个立场的顶尖战斗巫师来这里教这门课，一直是传统。历任防御课教授中，不只有传说中的漫游英雄哈洛德·谢，还有那位——姑且说——“不死”的雅加婆婆。没错，我看见你们中的一些人听到她的名字仍会发抖，尽管她已经死了六百年。那时候在霍格沃茨上学一定很有意思，对吧？」

Harry was swallowing hard, trying to suppress the sudden surge of emotion that had overcome him when Professor Quirrell had begun speaking. The precise tones reminded him very much of a lecturer at Oxford, and it was starting to hit home that Harry wasn't going to see his home or his Mum or his Dad until Christmas.

哈利用力咽着口水，努力压下奇洛教授开口时突然涌上的情绪。那种一板一眼的语调让他很容易联想到牛津大学的讲师；他也开始真正意识到，直到圣诞节之前，他都见不到自己的家，见不到妈妈，也见不到爸爸。

"You are accustomed to the Defence position being filled by incompetents, scoundrels, and the unlucky. To anyone with a sense of history, it bears another reputation entirely. Not everyone who teaches here has been the best, but the best have all taught at Hogwarts. In such august company, and after so much time anticipating this day, I would be ashamed to set myself any standard lower than perfection. And so I do intend that every one of you will always remember this year as the best Defence class that you have ever had. What you learn this year will forever serve as your firm foundation in the arts of Defence, no matter who your teachers before and after."

「你们已经习惯了由无能之辈、无赖和倒霉蛋担任防御课教职。但只要稍微懂一点历史，就会知道这门课还有完全不同的名声。不是所有在这里教过书的人都是最强者，但最强者都曾在霍格沃茨教过书。置身于如此显赫的前辈之列，又盼望这一天盼了这么久，如果我把对自己的标准定在完美之下，便会感到羞愧。因此，我要让你们每一个人永远记住：今年是你们上过的最好的防御课。你们今年学到的东西，将永远成为你们防御术的坚实基础，不管你们之前和之后的老师是谁。」

Professor Quirrell's expression grew serious. "We have a great deal of lost ground to make up and not much time to cover it. Therefore I intend to depart from Hogwarts teaching conventions in a number of respects, as well as introducing some optional after-school activities." He paused. "If that is not sufficient, perhaps I can find new ways to motivate you. You are my long-awaited students, and you will do your very best in my long-awaited Defence class. I would add some sort of dreadful threat, like 'Otherwise you will suffer horribly', but that would be so cliched, don't you think? I pride myself on being more imaginative than that. Thank you."

奇洛教授的表情严肃起来。「我们有大量落下的进度要补，而且时间不多。所以，我打算在许多方面偏离霍格沃茨的教学惯例，同时开设一些可选的课外活动。」他停了一下，「如果这些还不够，也许我能找到新的办法激励你们。你们是我期待已久的学生，而你们会在我期待已久的防御课上竭尽全力。我要是加上一句『否则你们会受尽折磨』之类的可怕威胁，未免太老套了，对不对？我很自豪，因为我的想象力不止于此。谢谢。」

Then the vigour and confidence seemed to drain away from Professor Quirrell. His mouth gaped open as if he had suddenly found himself facing an unexpected audience, and he turned with a convulsive jerk and shuffled back to his seat, hunched over as if he was about to collapse in on himself and implode.

接着，奇洛教授的精力和自信仿佛都泄了出去。他张着嘴，好像突然发现自己面对的是一群完全没料到的听众；然后他猛地抽搐一下，弓着身子，踉踉跄跄地回到座位上，仿佛马上就要缩成一团，再从内部爆开。

"He seems a little odd," whispered Harry.

「他看起来有点奇怪。」哈利低声说道。

"Meh," said the older-looking student. "You ain't seen nothin'."

「还行吧。」那个看起来年纪较大的学生说，「你还没见过真正奇怪的呢。」

Dumbledore resumed the podium.

邓布利多重新走到讲台前。

"And now," said Dumbledore, "before we go to bed, let us sing the school song! Everyone pick their favourite tune and favourite words, and off we go!"

「现在，」邓布利多说，「睡觉之前，咱们来唱校歌吧！大家各自挑喜欢的曲调和歌词，开始！」

题头的 ph'nglui mglw'nafh J. K. Rowling wgah'nagl fhtagn，改写自洛夫克拉夫特《克苏鲁的呼唤》里的咒语 Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn。原句大意是「在拉莱耶的屋中，死去的克苏鲁等待着做梦」；本章把克苏鲁和拉莱耶替换成了 J. K. Rowling，先用一本正经的邪典口吻给章节定调。1

分院帽说麦格是「冒失的小丫头」，还叫她滚出自己的草坪。这里的草坪不是故事里需要考证的地点，而是一个自称活了很久的老人赶年轻人的口吻：一顶八百岁的帽子把麦格当成了不懂事的小辈。2

哈利在自我鼓励时念出 Every day, in every way, I'm getting Lighter and Lighter，戏仿的是 Émile Coué 常见的自我暗示句 Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better。把 better 换成 Lighter，既保留了句式，也把哈利正在执行的「反黑魔王哈利计划」接了进来。3

统计上，P75 表示约有四分之三的观测值低于这个位置。这里把拉文克劳放在全校学生能力分布的 P75，再把这个并不神秘的统计位置说成「天才儿童的全球顶级项目」，正是哈利对拉文克劳同学自我评价过高的吐槽。4

奇洛把哈洛德·谢和雅加婆婆列为往届黑魔法防御术教授，故意把文学人物和民间传说塞进霍格沃茨校史。Harold Shea 是 L. Sprague de Camp 与 Fletcher Pratt 的「魔法师」系列中的心理学家主角；Baba Yaga 则是斯拉夫民间传说中的女性角色，常与森林、鸡脚小屋和飞行的臼杵联系在一起。56