Ice Melts (A Sea Shanty for the Ages)

In January 2026, a one-star Google review of an On The Border Mexican Grill & Cantina franchise went viral across the internet. The customer, Gabby, had complaints: she arrived ten minutes before closing and felt unwelcome; the complimentary chips and salsa were so generous that she ate too many and wasn't hungry for her actual order; the menu had too many choices; the ice in her drink melted; the portions were too large; and when she forgot her leftovers in the hot car, the smell was apparently also the restaurant's fault. The franchise owner replied with a structured, five-point rebuttal that was completely devoid of corporate apology. Point three was three words long: Ice melts.

The exchange got over a million likes on Instagram. The internet, with rare unanimity, sided with the owner.

This song sets the full grievance-and-rebuttal exchange to the oldest communal vocal format in the English-speaking world — the sea shanty. The logic is simple. Shanties were work songs designed to coordinate collective labor under absurd physical conditions: hauling rope, raising anchor, surviving storms. The call-and-response structure assumes one voice stating a problem and a full crew heaving back in reply. It maps perfectly onto a one-star review complaint and the dry, numbered owner response. Gabby's complaints become the lead's earnest verses; the crew hauls back with the owner's words; and "Ice melts." becomes the refrain that a hundred imaginary sailors apparently have strong feelings about.

The bridge is the heart of it — one flat, spoken voice reading the five points like a ship's captain logging the facts for posterity. No melody. No embellishment. Just the record.

[Verse 1] I showed up ten minutes 'fore closing time The waitress looked angry — oh, the nerve, the crime! I filled myself up on your free chips and dip Then found I weren't hungry, oh, what a trip

[Chorus] Haul away, haul away! You showed up ten minutes 'fore closing time Haul away, my bully boys! You ate so much free food, you lost your mind

[Verse 2] I ordered my drink and I'll say it plain The ice it melted in the summer rain I paid for cold liquid and got warm instead I want the restaurant punished 'til the day I'm dead

[Chorus] Ice melts, haul away! Ice melts, me hearties, on this very day! Ice melts, haul away! Three simple words, what more can we say?

[Verse 3] They gave me too much food, a mountain high Too much generosity, I want to cry I left the to-go box in my hot car The smell came for me from not very far

[Bridge] One: You showed up ten minutes before closing time Two: You ate so much free food you weren't hungry anymore Three: Ice melts Four: We gave you too much food Five: We didn't personally escort the to-go box out of your backseat

[Final Chorus] Haul away, haul away! Five points of truth upon the briny sea Haul away, my bully boys! One star for generosity! Ice melts! Ice melts! Haul away, haul away! Ice melts! And that's our only defense today!

[Outro] Ice melts... ice melts... ice melts...

The full review exchange was documented across Facebook and Instagram before any traditional news outlet noticed it existed. You can read the original posts here:

Rated Red on Facebook · LA Foodie Guy on Facebook · MiloPax on Facebook