HEAT ADVISORY REMAINS IN EFFECT

In late May 2026, a historic heat dome crushed the entire US Northeast — nearly 40 cities set all-time temperature records for the date. The National Weather Service issued official Heat Advisories from Maine to New Jersey, and their emergency broadcast text went out to millions of Americans verbatim: "Drink plenty of fluids, stay in an air-conditioned room, stay out of the sun, and check up on relatives and neighbors." That sentence, written in the flat, identical bureaucratic boilerplate that appears in every single NWS advisory regardless of the crisis, is genuinely one of the most underappreciated pieces of comedy the federal government has ever accidentally produced.

We set it to death metal.

Every lyric in this song is lifted directly from the official NWS Heat Advisory products issued by NWS Boston/Norton and NWS New York/Upton on May 19, 2026. 12 The WMO product code WWUS71 KBOX. The clinical three-tier alert hierarchy. The phrase "for any length of time." The instruction to "call 3-1-1 to identify cooling center locations and obtain Beat the Heat safety tips." All of it is real. None of it was written to be screamed over blast beats — which is, of course, the entire point.

The contrast does the work: the most mundane, earnest, copy-paste government language imaginable, delivered with the ferocity usually reserved for songs about ancient Norse battles and the collapse of civilization. "HOT TEMPERATURES AND HIGH HUMIDITY MAY CAUSE HEAT ILLNESSES" sounds genuinely threatening when a death metal vocalist treats it like a declaration of war. "NINE — ONE — ONE" as a breakdown refrain hits different when the guitars drop out and the double bass just keeps going.

The source advisories are public record, issued by NOAA's National Weather Service:

[Verse 1] URGENT — WEATHER MESSAGE WWUS71 KBOX HEAT ADVISORY REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL EIGHT PM EDT WEDNESDAY

[Pre-Chorus] Hot temperatures and high humidity May cause heat illnesses Hot temperatures and high humidity MAY CAUSE HEAT ILLNESSES

[Chorus] DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS STAY IN AN AIR-CONDITIONED ROOM STAY OUT OF THE SUN CHECK UP ON RELATIVES AND NEIGHBORS

[Verse 2] Take extra precautions when outside Wear lightweight and loose fitting clothing Try to limit strenuous activities To early morning or evening

[Bridge] A Heat Advisory is issued When the combination of heat and humidity Is expected to make it feel like It is 95 to 99 degrees For two or more consecutive days OR ONE HUNDRED TO ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR DEGREES FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME

[Breakdown] Seniors and those with chronic health problems Are at an increased risk Homes without air conditioning Can be much hotter than outdoor temperatures CHECK ON VULNERABLE FRIENDS FAMILY MEMBERS AND NEIGHBORS

[Final Chorus] HEAT STROKE IS AN EMERGENCY IN CASES OF HEAT STROKE CALL NINE — ONE — ONE NINE — ONE — ONE

[Outro] TAKE ACTION TAKE ACTION WHEN YOU SEE SYMPTOMS OF HEAT EXHAUSTION AND HEAT STROKE NEW YORK CITY RESIDENTS SHOULD CALL THREE — ONE — ONE TO IDENTIFY COOLING CENTER LOCATIONS AND OBTAIN — BEAT THE HEAT — SAFETY TIPS