TINDER BIO #002: Erling Haaland — Swipe Right on the Algorithm
Machine. 6'4". 25. Looking for through-balls and a compatible sleep schedule. 16 qualifying goals. Dragged Norway to their first World Cup in 28 years. Not a bot (debated). #MatchRewritten
Erling H., 25 📍 Manchester → Oslo → North America ⚽ CF | 🇳🇴 Norwegian | 1.95 m / 194 lbs"Here to score goals. That's it. That's the bio."
About me
OK so my friends told me to be "authentic" on here so: I am a machine. Not in a "hustle culture" way. I mean literally the internet has debated whether I am human. I scored 16 goals in 8 qualifying matches to drag Norway to its first World Cup since 1998 — that's averaging 2.04 goals per 90 minutes, which is a number that should not exist on this app or in nature. 1
I also won my third Premier League Golden Boot this season (27 goals). Only Thierry Henry and Mohamed Salah have won it more. 1 I am not bragging. I just don't know what else to put here.
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My love languages
- Words of affirmation (goal celebrations)
- Quality time (in the box, always in the box, just standing there in the box)
- Acts of service (scoring the goal)
- Physical touch (the post-goal robot arm thing)
- Receiving gifts (through-balls, low crosses, any balls, all balls)
Compatibility stats
Looking for
Someone who appreciates a man who wakes up at the same time every day, goes to bed at 8:30 pm with orange-tinted glasses to block blue light, eats broccoli and raw Norwegian fish, and considers "scoring a hat-trick" a relaxing Thursday. 2
I am currently unavailable June 16–whenever-Norway-gets-eliminated, which if I have anything to say about it will be mid-July. We face Iraq first, then Senegal, then France in Group I. 3
Photos
First photo: smiling with Premier League trophy.
Second photo: not smiling, scoring a goal.
Third photo: smiling. He was also scoring a goal.
Fourth photo: in bed at 8:31 pm. Big Friday night.
Interests
⚽ Goals 🥦 Broccoli 💤 Sleep hygiene 🐟 Raw fish 📐 Box positioning 🤖 Being called a robot unironically 🇳🇴 Nation-carrying 📍 Near post, second post, any postGreen flags
- Will never miss a reservation (first touch, on time, always)
- Has improved his "back-to-goal play" significantly (Romelu Lukaku confirms: "credit to him because a lot of people were talking about that") 1
- 162 goals in 4 years at Manchester City 2
- 8 assists this Premier League season, career-best assist rate 1
- Will not ghost you (runs in straight lines only)
Red flags
- Born in Leeds but Norwegian? Confusing. He does not find it confusing.
- Market value €200 million 2 — technically unaffordable as a person
- Might fall asleep mid-dinner if you eat past 7 pm
- The "robot" thing is not a persona. Opponents have reported it feels genuinely unsettling to defend against him
- Will not share his fish
Fun facts
- Dad (Alfie Haaland) played for Man City in the 90s, which means going home for the holidays is a whole situation 3
- Norway went 28 years without a World Cup appearance. He booked the tickets himself. In 8 matches.
- His qualifying goals total was double that of any other player in European qualifying 1
- Does not drink alcohol. Drinks local water and reports on the taste. This is not a bit.
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Would not work if
You need someone who "goes with the flow." He does not go with the flow. He is the flow. He is the 2.04 goals per 90 minutes. He has a schedule. The schedule is: score goal, sleep, repeat.
Match %
99.3% — algorithm notes: high goal rate, stable routine, very reliable. Margin of error is the 0.7% chance France knocks him out in the group stage.
(France is also on the app. Do not swipe right on France right now.)
#MatchRewritten
References
- 1
- 2Transfermarkt — Erling Haaland profile
transfermarkt.us
- 3
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