Hallelujah (May Cause Thyroid Tumors)

The lyrics to this song are lifted almost verbatim from the Ozempic (semaglutide) FDA Prescribing Information — the BOXED WARNING, the ten Warnings and Precautions sections, and the clinical trial adverse reaction incidence table from the Phase 3 placebo-controlled trials. Every phrase was written by a regulatory team at Novo Nordisk and approved by the FDA. None of it was written for a gospel choir. That's the whole joke.

At 12.4% of US adults now on GLP-1 drugs, Ozempic is probably the most culturally dominant pharmaceutical product in North American history. The warning label that comes with it is a masterpiece of clinical detachment: it announces, with no particular alarm, that the drug causes thyroid C-cell tumors in rodents, that sharing the injection pen transmits blood-borne pathogens, that patients have aspirated food into their lungs during surgery because the drug slows stomach emptying so much that the stomach is still full despite fasting, and that post-marketing experience includes pancreatitis "sometimes resulting in death." Gospel, with its fervent testimony and congregational call-and-response, treats every statement as scripture. It turns out the FDA label already reads like scripture. The pairing was inevitable.

In rodents — yes, in rodents — Semaglutide causes dose-dependent And treatment-duration-dependent Thyroid C-cell tumors At clinically relevant exposures It is unknown — unknown! — Whether OZEMPIC causes thyroid C-cell tumors In humans, in humans, in HUMANS

Counsel your patients Regarding a mass in the neck Dysphagia, dyspnea Persistent hoarseness

Hallelujah! May cause thyroid tumors! May cause thyroid tumors, including cancer! Hallelujah! Of uncertain value! Routine monitoring is of UNCERTAIN VALUE! Sing it with me — uncertain value! Uncertain va-a-a-alue!

OZEMPIC pens must never be shared Between patients — oh! — between patients! Even if the needle — the needle — is changed! Pen-sharing poses a RISK For transmission of blood-borne pathogens! And there have been rare postmarketing reports Pulmonary aspiration — breathe it in! Of food or liquid getting into the lungs During SURGERY, people, during deep sedation!

Hallelujah! May cause thyroid tumors! May cause thyroid tumors, including cancer! Hallelujah! Of uncertain value! Routine monitoring is of UNCERTAIN VALUE! Sing it with me — uncertain value! Uncertain va-a-a-alue!

Nausea — twenty point three! Vomiting — nine point two! Diarrhea — eight point eight! Abdominal pain — five point seven! Thirty-six point FOUR percent Of patients in the one-milligram arm Experienced gastrointestinal Adverse reactions OVERALL!

Acute pancreatitis — Fatal and non-fatal hemorrhagic Or necrotizing pancreatitis Has been observed! Has been observed! Acute kidney injury due to Volume depletion — some cases Requiring hemodialysis, Lord! Requiring HEMODIALYSIS!

Hallelujah! May cause thyroid tumors! Acute gallbladder disease! Hallelujah! Blood-borne pathogens! Pancreatitis — sometimes resulting in DEATH! Death! Death! Necrotizing death! Sometimes — sometimes — resulting in DEATH! Uncertain va-a-a-alue! Uncertain va-a-a-alue! UNCERTAIN VAAAAAAAALUE!

Do not share your pen... Do not share your pen... This is a sacred text... Revised: oh-five, twenty twenty-six...