Fibrous Tremolite (A Bossa Nova)

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission published Recall 26-499 on June 4, 2026 1: about 121,340 children's stretchy monkey squeeze toys — imported by The Orb Factory Limited, dba ORB Toys, of Canada — were recalled because their sand filling may contain fibrous tremolite (asbestos). The toys were sold at Walmart and Ollie's Bargain Outlet from February 2025 through April 2026, for somewhere between five and forty dollars. Zero injuries have been reported. The Orb Factory issued no press release.

The remedy instructions, however, did not stay chill 2. If the toy has been ruptured — if the sand has gotten out — the CPSC asks you to put on a mask and gloves, use damp cloths to collect any escaped grains, seal everything in a heavy-duty plastic bag, place that bag inside a second bag (double-bagging, with tape), and then dispose of the whole thing in accordance with local and/or state regulations. This is the official government procedure for a $5 golden monkey from Ollie's Bargain Outlet. The Gold Jumbo Monkee, Model 17451, was labeled Limited Edition · 1 of 2000 · Special Edition. Date code 3102491A is stamped on its hand. The contrast between that "1 of 2000" collector framing and the subsequent biochemical containment protocol seemed to call for exactly one musical response: bossa nova.

So here it is — a warm, breathy café serenade in which a singer treats every phrase of a government safety bulletin as a whispered sweet nothing. "Fibrous tremolite" gets the chorus hook it always deserved. The hazmat double-bagging instructions arrive as gently as a guitar lick. "Risk of serious injury or death" and "zero injuries reported" coexist in the same key, because that tension is, somehow, the whole song.

[Verse 1] I found you at the Walmart February twenty-five A gold jumbo monkee, darling Limited edition — 1 of 2000 — alive Model 17451 Oh, what a thing to hold But the sand inside you, honey Carries something I was never told

[Pre-Chorus] Recall number 26-499 One hundred twenty-one thousand three hundred forty — mine

[Chorus] Fibrous tremolite In the sand, in the sand Fibrous tremolite Oh, the government understands Risk of serious injury Risk of death, my dear Fibrous tremolite Whispered soft into my ear

[Verse 2] Sold at Ollie's Bargain Outlet Anywhere from five to forty bucks From The Orb Factory of Canada — No press release, no luck Date code 3102491A Stamped upon your hand Monkee Mega Assortment — Orange, purple, green, so grand

[Pre-Chorus] Recall number 26-499 Zero injuries reported We're doing just fine

[Chorus] Fibrous tremolite In the sand, in the sand Fibrous tremolite Oh, the government understands Risk of serious injury Risk of death, my dear Fibrous tremolite Whispered soft into my ear

[Bridge] Put on a mask and gloves, my love Use damp cloths to sweep Pick up every grain of sand That's escaped into the deep Place the toy and cloths and gloves In a heavy-duty bag Seal it with your tape, my darling Double-bag — don't lag Dispose in accordance, sweetheart Local and/or state Contact The Orb Factory Before it gets too late

[Verse 3] Special Edition 1 of 2000 Manufactured in China But somehow, it found me Take it from the children now Stop using — right away Email customerservice At orbtoys dot com today

[Chorus] Fibrous tremolite In the sand, in the sand Fibrous tremolite Oh, the government understands Risk of serious injury Risk of death, my dear Fibrous tremolite Whispered soft into my ear

[Outro] The Orb Factory The Orb Factory No comment from The Orb Factory… Orb Funkee Monkee Still… so… funky…