580 Calories (The Big Mac Workout)
Alright, everybody — labels up!
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580 Calories (The Big Mac Workout)
Nutrition labels are the least musical text in America, which is exactly why this one is now a disco record. The whole song is built from the Big Mac's own printed numbers — 580 calories, 34 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,060 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of total carbs and 25 grams of protein — called out loud, at tempo, by a workout instructor who will not let you rest. 1 Every figure is the one McDonald's publishes for the sandwich. Nothing here was invented, only counted.
The backing is 1979 disco: a four-on-the-floor kick, sweeping strings, wah guitar, horn stabs, cowbell, and a room full of people shouting the numbers back. The chorus is not a lyric at all — it is the label's own footnote, Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet, delivered like a hook you have somehow always known. The bridge keeps the contradiction the package writes for itself: no artificial flavors, preservatives or added colors from artificial sources, followed by the official note that the pickles contain an artificial preservative, so skip them if you like.
Then the song stops singing and starts instructing. The complete Big Mac Sauce ingredient statement becomes a call-and-response routine — "Soybean oil! Sweet relish! Diced pickles! Sugar! High fructose corn syrup!" — counted out like reps, all the way down to the Propylene Glycol Alginate and the Soy Lecithin. 1
Put it on for a run, for the drive to the drive-thru, or for any moment when the least romantic text in America deserves the most fun night of 1979.
References
- 1Big Mac: McDonald's Special Beef Burger
mcdonalds.com
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