Between Eight and Four

Episode 14 of Yelp Review the Musical takes on the eight-hour cable installation window — the domestic hostage situation every American homeowner has survived at least once. Our bass-baritone lead sacrificed a day of work, a three-month dentist appointment, and any semblance of getting dressed. He stayed in his pajamas, refreshed the tracker every eleven minutes, and watched a small truck icon sit completely motionless on the west side of town until 2:14 PM. The rage is not just his. The rage is ours. He is wearing it for all of us.

The piece opens in spare recitative — dry, parlando, a single man recounting the terms of his confinement like reading from a legal deposition. Staccato strings tick like a kitchen clock. By the time the 2:14 call arrives and he is bounced from Customer Experience to Scheduling to the mythical department called Dispatch Coordination and back to Customer Experience again, the full brass section has entered, stabbing on every transfer like a court gavel. A soprano trio materializes as the hold-music jingle — saccharine, relentless, absolutely sincere about caring so much about you — while the bass-baritone tries to maintain his composure and fails. He now hates the jingle. He makes this clear. A tenor slides in as the automated system, impossibly smooth, announcing that Brad is on his way. At 4:01 PM, a text arrives. The technician's name was apparently Brad. Brad has never been to this home. Our bass-baritone was standing at his own front door when the message landed. He had not moved. The SATB choir erupts on this fact — eight voices, fortissimo, counterpoint stacking the words until the walls shake. The piece closes with a grand orchestral cadence and one final, quiet, devastating line delivered over a single held chord. He is still in his pajamas.

[Verse 1] I refreshed the tracker every eleven minutes, Eleven minutes, every time — The little truck icon hadn't budged an inch by noon, Still parked on the west side of town. I watched the clock, I watched the truck, I watched the morning bleed to afternoon, Pacing my hallway in my pajamas — The pajamas I wore because I had no choice.

[Bridge] And then, at two fourteen in the afternoon, I made the call. "Your technician is running behind but still on his way." Still. On. His way.

[Verse 2] Three forty-seven! Three forty-seven! I called again and said, "Where is he now?" They said, "One moment, let me transfer you to Customer Experience — please hold —" "Thank you for your patience, your call is very important —"

[Patter] Customer Experience! "Let me get you over to Scheduling." Scheduling! "Let me connect you now to Dispatch Coordination." Dispatch Coordination! "I'll transfer you back to Customer Experience." Customer Experience! Hello? Hello? Hello?

[Hold Jingle — Soprano Trio] Hold for us, hold for us, We care so much about you! Your satisfaction is our mission, Your happiness is all we do!

[Verse 3] The jingle is very catchy. I now hate it. I now HATE it.

[Tenor — Automated System] "Your appointment is confirmed between eight and four! We value your time and we'll be there for sure! Brad will arrive — Brad is on his way! Thank you for waiting — have a great day!"

[Verse 4] BRAD! WHO IS BRAD? Brad has never been to my home! I've been here all day in my PAJAMAS — The PAJAMAS I put on AT EIGHT AM And I have NOT. MOVED.

[Collision Chorus] Hold for us, hold for us — Still on his way! Customer Experience — Scheduling! Dispatch Coordination — Connecting now! Your call is very — IMPORTANT TO US —

[Finale — SATB Choir] AT FOUR OH ONE. AT FOUR. OH. ONE. A text arrived at four oh one PM — "We missed you! We missed you! Your appointment has been rescheduled For next Thursday — between eight AM and four PM!"

[Fortissimo — Bass-Baritone over SATB] I was standing at my own front door. I was standing at my own front door! I had not moved. I had not moved!

[SATB Counterpoint] He had not moved! I had not moved! He had not moved! I had NOT MOVED! FOR EIGHT HOURS! FOR EIGHT! HOURS!

[Grand Cadence] The technician's name was apparently Brad. Brad has never been to my home. I am not sure Brad exists.

[Choir] One star. ONE star. ONE — STAR!

[Coda] I am still in my pajamas. ONE STAR!