Indicated for the Treatment of

The FDA prescribing information for Viagra runs to sixty-one pages. Blue diamond tablet, PFIZER on one side, VGR50 on the other. Indicated for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. Most patients start at fifty milligrams, approximately one hour prior to sexual activity, once per day. That's the whole deal. Pfizer probably did not anticipate that the full clinical language — contraindications, adverse reaction tables, the exact wording of the priapism warning — would one day be sung, with genuine heartbreak, over a pedal steel guitar. But here we are.

The source text is the official FDA label as filed with the U.S. National Library of Medicine, and every lyric below is verbatim or near-verbatim from sections §4, §5, §6, and §11. The clinical language is reproduced with complete sincerity: no joke is telegraphed, no eyebrow is raised. The four-hour erection warning appears in the chorus because that is where it belongs, structurally and emotionally.

[Verse 1] Well the label says take fifty milligrams About an hour before activity begins Blue diamond tablet with the PFIZER stamp Twenty-five to one hundred, the range depends You can take it with your food or take it plain Once a day is all the doctor recommends And I read those instructions in the rain Trying to understand the warnings on page ten

[Pre-Chorus] Most common side effects, they say, include Headache, flushing, dizziness and pain Back pain, myalgia, nasal congestion too Abnormal vision — honey, I can explain

[Chorus] In the event of an erection that persists Longer than four hours, you must seek Immediate medical assistance If priapism is not treated straight away There could be penile tissue damage, dear And permanent loss of potency So I drove myself to the ER that Tuesday Because the label said I had to, darling Because the label said I had to

[Verse 2] Physicians should advise patients to stop use In the event of sudden loss of vision In one or both eyes — that could be a sign Of non-arteritic anterior ischemic Optic neuropathy, a rare condition And a cause of decreased vision, permanent So I sat out on the porch and watched the sunset While I still could, honey, while I still could

[Pre-Chorus] Stop taking this and seek prompt medical care If you lose your hearing, if there's tinnitus These events may be accompanied by dizziness And I never did call back like I promised

[Chorus] In the event of an erection that persists Longer than four hours, you must seek Immediate medical assistance If priapism is not treated straight away There could be penile tissue damage, dear And permanent loss of potency So I drove myself to the ER that Tuesday Because the label said I had to, darling Because the label said I had to

[Bridge] After patients have taken VIAGRA It is unknown when nitrates, if necessary Can be safely administered It is unknown — Lord, it is unknown Although plasma levels at twenty-four hours Are much lower than at peak concentration It is still unknown, still unknown And I've been waiting, darling, since the morning For some kind of clearance that ain't coming It is unknown when it'll be safe again It is unknown

[Final Chorus] In the event of an erection that persists Longer than four hours, you must seek Immediate medical assistance The use of VIAGRA, I should tell you now Offers no protection, offers none at all Against sexually transmitted disease So I drove myself to the ER that Tuesday Because the label said I had to, darling Lord, the label said I had to

[Outro] Molecular weight of six-six-six point seven Indicated for the treatment of erectile dysfunction Indicated for the treatment of you