Lamento del Burger Freddo

Wrong Genre, Episode 1

One Tuesday at noon, someone sat down at a fast food restaurant, ordered a quarter-pounder with no onions, waited twelve minutes, and received a cold burger with onions on it. They left a 1-star Yelp review. The review was three sentences long. We have performed it as a full-length grand Italian opera.

The orchestra is sincere. The soprano is devastated. The audience is horrified. The burger was cold.

The source text

1 star — "Disappointing experience"
"Waited 12 mins for a cold burger. Asked for no onions, got onions. Spoke to the manager and she just walked away. Will not be returning."
— Highly realistic 1-star fast food review, representative of thousands of identical complaints on Yelp and Google Reviews (r/mildlyinfuriating)

The universe of reviews this draws from can be found at r/mildlyinfuriating and r/firstworldproblems

Full libretto

LAMENTO DEL BURGER FREDDO A Grand Tragedy in One Act

[Intro] (Orchestra swells with tragic grandeur)

[Verse 1] I came to you on a Tuesday at noon Placed my order, table by the door A quarter-pounder with cheese and no onions Is that so much to ask, nothing more?

And yet... and yet...

[Chorus] The burger was cold! Cold! Cold as the grave! The cheese unmelted, the lettuce a cave! I waited twelve minutes — I counted each one! And this is what I got when the waiting was done?

[Verse 2] I spoke to the manager, calmly at first I said: "This bun has the texture of cardboard" She shrugged and she walked away, quenching my thirst For justice — denied by a seventeen-year-old

[Bridge] One star. One single star. This is my testament to you. I drove fourteen minutes to get here. I will not be returning — this much is true.

[Chorus] The burger was cold! Cold! Cold as the grave! The cheese unmelted, the lettuce a cave! I waited twelve minutes — I counted each one! And this is what I got when the waiting was done?

[Outro] (Sotto voce, with broken dignity) I... asked for no onions... There were onions... There were onions...

Source: Composite of real 1-star fast food reviews. Genre: Grand Italian Opera (Verdi/Puccini tradition). Wrong Genre, a channel where mundane texts are performed with complete sincerity in the most wrong musical genre possible.

#WrongGenre