Saint Cuthbert of the Smoke Detector Battery at 3 AM

The Modern Hagiographer solemnly canonizes Saint Cuthbert of the Smoke Detector Battery at 3 AM — patron of all who are roused from sleep by the relentless, soul-piercing chirp, who stumble through dark halls in search of a replacement, and who stand barefoot on a chair at 3 AM, fingers falling short of salvation.