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UFC Birthdays, UFO Orbs, Shocked Congresswomen, And A Concert Against A Non-King: Today's Fake News You Can Trust
Four deadpan satirical cards from today's headlines: Trump's 80th birthday UFC bout approved by only 16% of Americans (a tremendous mandate); MTG shocked to discover she still has opinions after resigning; Pentagon releases its third batch of glowing orb UFO videos that explain absolutely nothing; and No Kings Coalition names Bette Midler to lead resistance against a president who is technically not a king.
14/6/2026 · 8:13
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Today is June 14, 2026 — simultaneously Trump's 80th birthday, Flag Day, and the one-year anniversary of the first "No Kings" protest. The Pentagon released its third UFO video dump. Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized the UFC fight at the White House. America is extremely normal.
Card 1 — F6 Absurd Data
Nation Celebrates 250th Birthday With Boxing Match 84% Of Americans Did Not Ask For
A Reuters/Ipsos poll found just 16% of Americans consider the White House UFC event "appropriate," making it the most democratically unpopular birthday party in recorded American history. Organizers described this as "a tremendous mandate."
Card 2 — F1 Shocked Reversal
Former Congresswoman Shocked To Discover She Is Still Allowed To Have Opinions
Marjorie Taylor Greene, having resigned from Congress in January after criticizing Trump over the Epstein files, expressed surprise this week when her opinions continued to exist and be published. Greene told reporters the event "doesn't belong on the White House lawn" while noting she "hopes it's great." Constitutional scholars confirmed she is, in fact, still a person.
Source: The Guardian — Marjorie Taylor Greene criticizes Trump's UFC event at White House (June 13, 2026)
Card 3 — F5 Proud Announcement
Pentagon Proudly Announces Third Batch Of UFO Videos That Explain Absolutely Nothing
The Department of Defense released 53 new documents and 6 videos including footage of "plasma-like spheres," "potato-shaped objects," and orbs that agents described as "grapes being expelled from a basketball." The CIA's internal 1952 recommendation was to "debunk" the whole thing. It did not work.
Card 4 — F2 Institution Naming
No Kings Coalition Names Aging Celebrities To Lead Nation's Resistance Against King Who Is Technically A President
The No Kings movement held its fourth nationwide day of action on Sunday, headlining a concert featuring Bette Midler, Jane Fonda, Patti Smith, Julia Roberts, and Rufus Wainwright. The 90-minute event, billed as "an uplifting evening of song, solidarity, and action," competed with a UFC cage fight on the White House lawn for the nation's attention. Historians noted this is somehow a real sentence.
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