June 12, 2026 — All the news that's unfit to print, printed anyway.
Card 1 — Nation Shocked As Man Who Said "VERY HARD TONIGHT" Canceled Everything By Lunch
The president, who early Thursday morning announced the United States would strike Iran "VERY HARD TONIGHT," confirmed by afternoon that the strikes were called off, a deal was imminent, and the whole thing was going great. Iran said nothing had been finalized. Sources close to the situation noted this is also how the president orders dinner.
Card 2 — Trump Completes Checkup With 22 Doctors; Confirms He Is In Perfect Health, Very Possibly The Best Health Ever Recorded
The White House reported that the president underwent his latest health evaluation with a team of 22 medical specialists, the results of which confirmed he is in excellent condition. Doctors said they had never seen anything quite like it and asked that their names not be mentioned.
Source: CNN, June 11, 2026
Card 3 — Congress Lets Spy Powers Expire While Watching World Cup
The House of Representatives voted Thursday to reject a short-term renewal of the FISA Section 702 surveillance program, allowing the government's core foreign intelligence-collection authority to expire for the first time since 2008. The program lapsed at midnight. The World Cup group stage continues through June 26, officials confirmed.
Source: PBS NewsHour, June 11, 2026
Card 4 — Local Lawyer Named Nation's Top Spy After Previous Spy Had Never Met A Spy
President Trump announced Thursday he is nominating Jay Clayton, the U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, as the next Director of National Intelligence, replacing acting director Bill Pulte — whom Democrats objected to on grounds that Pulte had no national security experience. Clayton, a securities lawyer, is expected to bring a fresh perspective to the intelligence community, as well as an excellent understanding of SEC disclosure requirements.
Source: NBC News, June 11, 2026
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